My word for 2023.
Heal.
They say that time heals everything, but I don't actually believe that.
It might mend what was broken but it doesn't fully heal.
Losing a loved one, especially a parent.
Losing a relationship.
Losing a friendship.
Those things don't heal.
You mend them and they're never the same again.... or you try to fill all those voids in your life with something else.
Something unhealthy.
Something reckless.
Because why not? Right?
35 years was not long enough.
12 years wasted.
It's hard to not let myself think of everything I could be doing to not have to feel any of this.
"You're so strong." That is something I get told daily. I'm not. If I was, I wouldn't be thinking of how bad I want to resort to the girl I was 10 years ago.
Just to fill those voids in my life with drinking, sex and partying. Because that's what I used to do.
It's easy to justify that right now. It's beyond easy for me.
Sometimes the grief is so bad that I just want to lay in bed all day.
Yes, I go to the gym. Not because I want to but because I need to.
I work because I don't want to lose all this stuff that I have.
I struggle every single day with anxiety. Something I have never had before.
I can't make decisions for my life because according to people I don't think straight right now.
It's funny that people will tell you that life has to move on. People who have NO idea what you are going through right now and yet they feel the need to give you advice about how to grieve.
I don't want to let go just yet.
So, how do I heal from the last 2 months?
I honestly have no idea. I am struggling with it.
I picked that word for this year because I felt like I needed to. It seemed appropriate with everything going on in my life right now.
There's so much anger and resentment I have right now that is hard to get rid of.
I have anger towards the doctors and God.
I have resentment towards people in relationships. Mainly girls who trick guys into getting them pregnant and then just getting a free house and all their bills paid for them.
I mean, I did that for years and never got anything out of it. I do it the right way and get screwed.
Yeah. Tangent!
I'm just tired!
I am tired of being strong and I am tired of thinking that someone is going to be there for me when I need them.
I had that. My dad was always there for me. They say the only man a girl can count on is her dad.
They weren't lying about that.
I wish he was here.