One thing I have noticed more recently is how much I fear things.
That's normal. Fear is a normal emotion in life.
When I compete or even train in Ninja, there are things that I fear.
In my everyday life, there are a lot of things, I fear.
One thing I always feared came true when I lost my dad.
Being told that, "Guys don't marry girls like me", scares me.
Failing everything in life is also a fear.
People constantly seeing me for the girl I was and not the woman I became, scares me.
Never feeling loved in a healthy way, scares me.
It's hard because I always thought that I was up front, and open about who I am. Being my own person never scared me.
Another thing that scared me was being careful of what I posted on social media so I wouldn't "upset" anyone.
In the last few years, I have been told that the way I share things about my life is inspiring.
A lot of people loved that about me.
Although, there's one aspect of my life I never shared on social media.
I wasn't allowed to.
It's funny that in the last 2 months, I am not as scared as I used to be.
Most of that fear is gone.
I am not scared of being alone. Hell, for the last 6 or 7 years of my life I did everything by myself.
I am not scared of throwing myself in Ninja as much as I used to be.
I am not scared of what people are going to think of me on social media.
The right ones will know who I am now not what they've heard about me from people who dislike me.
I am not scared to let go and just be who I am anymore.
I am not scared to not be loved. Would it suck? Absolutely. I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by people and feel alone.
In the last 2 days, I had more peace about some of my decisions I've made than I have in a long time.
Getting drunk to make the feelings go away is no longer something I think about.
It's hard that I seem like someone who has their shit together or shows you this life of me working towards my dreams.
Some days, that's a lie. I used to hate myself so much. I feared losing people so I would just do things that would make me hate myself after.
Saturday night was one of those nights. The last couple of months have been just that as well.
I don't hide things from people, not anymore.
If people want to know something, ask.
The people who stalk this blog (yes, I know you do) instead of telling people, "Oh my gosh, can you believe she wrote that!"
Why not think about what you don't know or what I don't choose to show you.
Another option, message me and ask.
I can't stand that I get assumed as someone who is heartless.
I do have a heart. I got told one time that we all had our breaking points.
I reached mine a couple of days ago.
I'm not afraid to do what's best for me anymore.
I'm not afraid to challenge myself.
I got told today that I never choose the easy way. That's pretty accurate.
If I did, my dad would have been able to walk me down the aisle.
I wouldn't have wasted 12 years of my life.
I'd have my own family.
I never would have been a recovering alcoholic.
I never would have made the jump for myself and be the person I am today.
I did a lot of things scared. Fear was my absolute worst enemy.