Fear

One thing I have noticed more recently is how much I fear things.

That's normal. Fear is a normal emotion in life.

When I compete or even train in Ninja, there are things that I fear.

In my everyday life, there are a lot of things, I fear.

One thing I always feared came true when I lost my dad.

Being told that, "Guys don't marry girls like me", scares me.

Failing everything in life is also a fear.

People constantly seeing me for the girl I was and not the woman I became, scares me.

Never feeling loved in a healthy way, scares me.

It's hard because I always thought that I was up front, and open about who I am. Being my own person never scared me.

Another thing that scared me was being careful of what I posted on social media so I wouldn't "upset" anyone.

Dumb, right?

In the last few years, I have been told that the way I share things about my life is inspiring.

A lot of people loved that about me.

Although, there's one aspect of my life I never shared on social media.

I wasn't allowed to.

It's funny that in the last 2 months, I am not as scared as I used to be.

Most of that fear is gone.

I am not scared of being alone. Hell, for the last 6 or 7 years of my life I did everything by myself.

I am not scared of throwing myself in Ninja as much as I used to be.

I am not scared of what people are going to think of me on social media.

The right ones will know who I am now not what they've heard about me from people who dislike me.

I am not scared to let go and just be who I am anymore.

I am not scared to not be loved. Would it suck? Absolutely. I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by people and feel alone.

In the last 2 days, I had more peace about some of my decisions I've made than I have in a long time.

Getting drunk to make the feelings go away is no longer something I think about.

It's hard that I seem like someone who has their shit together or shows you this life of me working towards my dreams.

Some days, that's a lie. I used to hate myself so much. I feared losing people so I would just do things that would make me hate myself after.

Saturday night was one of those nights. The last couple of months have been just that as well.

I don't hide things from people, not anymore.

If people want to know something, ask.

The people who stalk this blog (yes, I know you do) instead of telling people, "Oh my gosh, can you believe she wrote that!"

Why not think about what you don't know or what I don't choose to show you.

Another option, message me and ask.

I can't stand that I get assumed as someone who is heartless.

I do have a heart. I got told one time that we all had our breaking points.

I reached mine a couple of days ago.

I'm not afraid to do what's best for me anymore.

I'm not afraid to challenge myself.

I got told today that I never choose the easy way. That's pretty accurate.

If I did, my dad would have been able to walk me down the aisle.

I wouldn't have wasted 12 years of my life.

I'd have my own family.

I never would have been a recovering alcoholic.

I never would have made the jump for myself and be the person I am today.

I did a lot of things scared. Fear was my absolute worst enemy.

Not anymore!