What Do I Want?

Here lately, I have been questioned not only by my mind but by many other people as well.

They ask the questions that everyone usually asks.

Why aren't your married?

Don't you want to be married?

Don't you want a partner in life?

Why don't you post your significant other on social media?

Why keep it a secret?

Why don't you want kids?

Don't you want to be a Mom?

It's always the same things that society expects of people. Why does that have to be the norm though?

Why can't we live our life rather than have people constantly expecting us to do what they think is right?

This last week has been hard for me because I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster that I cannot get off of.

While doing the steps in A.A. I am constantly questioning the life I am living now.

Am I doing what is best for me?

Is this relationship worth continuing?

Am I ever going to be a mother, if that is what I want?

Why can't things progress in my life?

Some people think that I just live my life and am a super happy person.

For the most part, I am. I do have my days though. I have those days where that inside voice gets so loud that it is so hard to shut out.

She is screaming at me to move on and get that life that I want. Sometimes though, I am content and happy with my life. It's that little bit that is hard to shut out.

I am happy with my Ninja training and competitions. I am happy in my relationship when we have the time for each other. I am happy at my job when people don't act like assholes.

So why the emotional rollercoaster this week?

I honestly feel like it started at the beginning of the week when I had a co-worker who would not let up on why I wasn't married or why I wasn't living with Mike.

Honestly, it is no one's business but mine and his. It still hits hard though when those questions are asked.

People don't understand the toxic crazy monster I was towards him. Some actually saw the havoc and still wonder why he's around. It takes years upon years to get that stuff back though.

There is a lot of reasons why I keep my relationship off of social media and that is one of those reasons. If I put that out there then that is inviting people into my relationship and that's not what I want.

I did that before with Brenon (my ex-fiance) and it blew up in my face. Granted, I was out running around on him.

This co-worker also had the audacity to pretty much make fun of me for trying to create a brand on social media. He basically told me that I am not that important.

Did that bother me? Somewhat. I have been made fun of my whole life. Some of it was because of my actions and other times it was just because I wasn't what you would define as "normal."

My family would make fun of me. My friends in high school would make fun of me. So, I should have been used to it. Right?

You don't really get used to others making fun of you. You just start to do it to yourself before anyone else has the chance to.

It took me a long time to embrace the person I was because I wanted to be liked so badly. I wanted to fit.

Everyone has to start somewhere. For me, that somewhere is my social media so when it is made fun of or questioned then I start questioning myself.

Onto another thing that happened this week. I had someone send me a picture of a shirt that said, "Nope, still don't want kids."

When I talk about that stuff, I am not saying I don't want them. I am 35 and I already feel like I am running out of time. So, when people say stuff like that it really does eat at me.

I already have my mind going a million miles an hour that I don't need help from others putting that stuff in my mind or even more pressure on me.

So, what do I want in life? I thought I had it all lined out. Did my life turn out the way I wanted to?

Absolutely not.

I thought that I would be married with kids and a career by now. I never thought I would be living alone, constantly working and helping people with their sobriety.

Today while wallowing in self-pity because I was alone today and there are times when that depression hit hard; as I was sitting at home watching Mike help me mow my yard I was grateful.

I was grateful for someone that is there for me even though I have my days where I get testy and crazy.

I get depressed that I don't have friends to hang out with. I have friends at the gym. I have friends at AA. I have friends at work. I have friends in Carlsbad.

I don't really have friends though that come over and hang out or that I talk to on a daily basis.

The only person I have right now who I talk to everyday is Mike. He's my best friend.

It's hard making friends as a recovering alcoholic because some people don't understand that lifestyle.

The friends I have made weren't good influences and so I had to stop hanging around them.

I want what everyone in life wants though.

I want to be loved by someone who loves me for those little things that make him smirk and shake his head. I want to be good at anything I set my mind to.

I want to be happy.