Unmanageable

This past week I have been thinking about what is unmanageable in my life. Recently, I got a new sponsor who has been absolutely amazing. Which means we start the steps all over.

I will be honest with you guys. My first year (the second time) when I was sober, I had a sponsor for about a year and a half. We got to step four and then she had to let me go. I tried for months looking for a new sponsor and couldn't find someone.

I got really down about it and decided to just stop because in my head, I was being a nuisance. So, for the last 7 and a half years I didn't have a sponsor. I still went to meetings. I still read my big book and I stayed around people who were in recovery.

So, when my sponsor and I came up on Step 1 I had to ask her if she wanted me to list the unmanageable things from years prior or just recent.

It was easy for me to list the things for years ago because I was a wreck back then. I didn't have my life together and I was newly sober.

I had to reflect and think about what was unmanageable to me. Things that I cannot control.

I cannot control the way people behave to the things I say I or do. Sometimes I find that funny because if I say something that hits a nerve then I must be right. (at least to me)

There are certain things in my life that I want to happen when I want them to happen. I honestly think that that stuff isn't too much to ask for but obviously it is.

Another thing is that I cannot control how I was brought up and the "values" that were instilled me but I can change them as an adult.

I know that it makes people upset when I talk about that but one thing I have learned is that the things that I do and the things that I am proud of are outside of what my family knows.

They know babies and revolving their lives around their families. That's not me. I spent years trying to please those people and I'm done.

In 2021, I got to a point where I just stopped trying and it felt so good to know that I was finally getting away from the toxicity of it all. Am I happy about that? Eh, sometimes. I love that I have free will in my life.

For years, and this is NO JOKE, I have been called selfish by all of those people. I am so glad I have been selfish because I am getting the life I want, the way I want.

I guess in other words, the only thing that is unmanageable in my life are usually those closest to me.