Rough

No one tells you how hard being an adult can be sometimes.

Although no one tells you how hard a lot of things in life are.

Getting sober.

Living in sobriety.

Grief.

Anniversaries.

The first year of grief.

There's really no book on any of those that can relate to just one person.

People write books and they can put their experience in there that might help but it doesn't fully cover everything.

They don't tell you that the grief hits so hard on some days that it still feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest.

They don't tell you that there will be things that will test everything in you.

August was a rough month and I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because we are getting to that first year.

His first birthday without him.

Our first thanksgiving without him. Last year he was still alive when we had thanksgiving.

Yesterday was rough.

9 months without him and my little brother's wedding.

Seeing him get married, do his first dance and knowing my Pops should have been there.

Watching my new sister in law dance with her dad and knowing I will never have that.

It's hard.

Being around alcohol usually has never bothered me and sometimes it still doesn't.

There are those rare times though when the emotions get so bad that I just want them to go away.

The week before last, the grief got so crippling.

I didn't want to do anything.

Maybe it was because that Monday I had just come back from watching Metallica, 5FDP & Ice Nine Kills.

My Pops was my concert buddy. I don't have that anymore.

It was so crippling that that week I didn't even workout.

Last week I somewhat got my fun and was able to travel to different ninja gyms.

It's still rough though.

Every day I miss him.

I finally stopped being so angry with God.

I'm still mad at him but I tell him that.

I pray so much. Mostly, for God to let me see him.

There have been times when I want my dad so bad that I'd be okay dying so I could see him.

I'm sure people go through that. I don't know.

I'm trying to find some sort of peace with all this and reading scriptures that might give that to me.

In AA, they say "complete surrender."

That's so hard for me.

Because I did that. I got down on my knees and begged God that I was his if he would just heal my Dad.

I am working on that relationship every single day.

It's rough for me.

My Dad was ripped away from me.

I didn't get to say goodbye.

I didn't get to tell him I love you, one last time.

I didn't get a hug goodbye. His hugs were the best.

So, yes.

It is rough for me because there's so many unanswered questions.