Rambling….or is it?
I definitely don’t feel like a middle aged woman nor do I think like I look like one.
I keep thinking that eventually my life will come together and l will have some purpose in my life.
Right now, I don’t feel like I have a purpose.
I’ve always been told that having a family and raising kids was what you did as a woman.
So, to me, that is what I was supposed to do.
I honestly feel like I’m back in 2012 where I’m sober and yet I don’t have a significant other.
Priorities have changed so much though in the last 5 months.
Do I ever think that I’m going to be apart Andi involved in his life?
I think in 3 years he will decide to but I’m not waiting 3 years.
Some days I feel like being sober hasn’t helped my life that much.
I think I base that off of one aspect of my life and it sucks.
I feel stuck and I hate it.
I’ll be 36 in 3 weeks and I feel like I’m running out of time for everything I want to achieve.
So, I’m just waiting.
Story of my life!
Then I look at everything in my personal and professional life that I’m doing that isn’t attached to a relationship.
I’ve grown so much with both of those aspects alone.
Yet, I make excuses as to why things haven’t gone the way I want them.
The way things have been lately have been hard.
I haven’t been the best member of AA because I don’t want to listen to people talk about how happy they are that they still have their dads.
I can’t handle being around anyone right now.
Do I hate that it’s like that?
Yes. I do.
It would be nice to have people who understand how my life is right now.
Mike told me to look at all the positive things in my life. Yet, that’s hard.
I feel like such a fraud sometimes on social media because I post my life to extent but that is just a quarter of my life.
How am I supposed to help inspire people when I can’t even inspire myself to do things sometimes?
I have honestly thought about posting exactly what my life is right now but I know that a certain person or a few people would not be happy about that.
Right now, their feelings don’t matter to me.
I have taken into consideration how the stuff I post makes others feel and I’m done with that.
I’ve had to keep a couple of things hush-hush right now because I’m not quite ready to share it with everyone.
When I do, it’s going to upset a few people.
You can’t make everyone happy though.
I’ve had a couple weekends to decompress and have them to myself and I now remember why I keep myself so busy.
It helps take my mind off of everything.
Next thing for that is a Harley.
That will be my midlife crisis buy…… after I take classes.
Or what has been going through my mind is having a kid and raising it myself.
The things my mind has been coming up with lately is way out there.
They say not to make life changing decisions in the first year of grief but I don’t like being told what to do so there’s that.
The problem with my addictive personality is I don’t know how to practice moderation.
That’s something I am still working on.
If I’m going to do something then I go all out!
Got to love the rambling of my crazy awesome mind!
Seriously, though. Wait for the news😉