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Missing It

I honestly feel like this last week has been so hard mentally and emotionally.


Normally, the days leading up to all the firsts without my Dad are the days that really get me. Sunday was no exception.


It was our first Father's Day without him and that was excruciating. On all the FB groups I am in about losing your Dad, they say to do everything you would do if he were still here.


Dumb, right? I thought so. I still do.


I went to Wal-Mart and bought him a Father's Day card. Although, the entire time I am there, I am crying because I know he won't ever get to see it.


I stayed with him that weekend and woke up Sunday to tell him Happy Father's Day.


I sat on the rocking bench on his front porch. Something he always loved to do.


I talked to him about all the things I was working on and the trips I would be making just to compete.


It wasn't normal. Nothing about losing him will ever be normal.


I did all those things while feeling like someone was twisting a knife in my stomach and heart. It was almost like I couldn't breathe.


Every time I think about him being gone, that is exactly how I feel.


It sucks.


Even though he isn't here, I still talk to him.


I talked to him about my business and the fact that I will have it up and running before the end of the year.


I talked to him about how I am struggling so bad with wanting to drink because everyone else gets to hide their pain with it, why can't I?


I told him about the fact that I am finally ready to have kids and that by the end of the year (hopefully sooner) I will be making that dream come true.


Since ANW won't be casting next year it's the perfect opportunity to get pregnant and have a baby. I know that he would have loved to see that. He always told me he loved his grand-dogs but that I would make a great mom.


I miss that with him. More than anything in the world.

I feel like he is going to miss so many things in my life.


I want him to see me open my Ninja gym.

I want him to see me be a Mom because he always loved having more grandkids.


It's hard.


With this week coming up I have a lot that he would loved to see.


We leave for North Carolina on Thursday for the World Ninja League World Finals for Tier 1.


I wasn't expecting to compete in Tier 1. When I placed in the Top 3 for Tier 2 though, it automatically qualified me for Tier 1.


Crazy, right?


Yup!


Then the first week of July I get to help a Ninja friend do Ninja Like A Girl.


Super excited about that.


I also get to live out my dream of walking a runway. Not a super big thing but it's a West Texas Fashion Show.


Pretty cool!


Last Ninja competition for the summer ends at the end of July in Orlando with the Ultimate Ninja Athlete Association World Finals.


I have 3 athletes competing and it's going to be awesome!


We start tryouts for the competitive Ninja team in August.


It's hard to believe that I am actually getting to do these things.


Why?


Because in my head, I still don't believe that I deserve any of this stuff.


For as many horrible things I have done to people, I feel like I don't deserve to have any of this stuff.


Mike always tells me that I have worked my ass off for all of this stuff. It wasn't just given to me.

I do try to remember that always.


That's another thing I always talk to my Dad about too.


I just try to remember that no one else is going to do things for me.


So, I may be exhausted from everything I am doing but I wouldn't have it any other way.


I want to make him proud.

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