Life Gets Hard
I understand that there are things in life that we can't control.
The same could be said for people.
I have figured out though in the last week or so that even when you are going through something absolutely life-altering, that people don't give a crap about how you feel.
I have spent the last few years or even more trying to be this person that changes her life.
In the last few months though, my life has completely turned upside down.
It sucks that the person I needed to be there the most wasn't. He was a shitty "friend".
Not only have I lost my dad and a 12 year "relationship", but I have also hated myself more than I did when I was drinking.
That's saying a lot.
It sucks when you perceive yourself based on the way someone talks to you.
I'm sure the people who stalk this blog will go tell him and I will be called a victim once more.
I have taken accountability for my actions.
If I would have started my steps sooner, I honestly don't think I would have been as "head over heels" with him.
It sucks when you can't talk to the person you're with because you're scared of being talked at or being told to stop playing the victim.
2 months into my grief journey with my dad and I got told that I am not coping or grieving correctly.
This also coming from someone who hasn't lost a parent.
I have a lot of built up emotions that I have no idea how to handle.
Did I need him? Absolutely.
Yet, I got told that I had no idea what I did to him this time.
THIS! Coming from someone who didn't even show up to my dad's service to be there for me.
I remember looking out in the crowd that day because I was giving the eulogy and not seeing his face.
It felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again.
I'm sure I will get told I am being the victim for that comment too.
It has been so hard trying to be nice to people or even wanting to be around people because they say stuff and then it just pushes me away.
Do I want to be around people who can't empathize with me right now?
No one can tell me how I am supposed to feel or how I am supposed to grieve.
Especially when they have never been through this.
I'm not sure how I am supposed to move on from any of this.
A lot of people don't know parts of my life that are going on.
You only see what I show you.
I don't post a lot of stuff because I was never allowed to.
Yes, you read that right. I was NOT allowed.
I wasn't allowed to have social media 8-9 years ago.
When I got snapchat, I got ridiculed until I finally deleted it.
I had to ask permission to post pictures.
I had to have a location on my phone at ALL times.
I had to take pictures of who I was with and where I was.
Did I do things that triggered those? Yes, I did.
I wasn't that girl anymore though. For years, I wasn't.
I was given multiple ultimatums while I wasn't allowed to give them.
There were times when I was made to say stuff in front of other people while he was on the phone.
I hate the way my life is right now. So much I do.
I hate that I let it get here.
A lot of resentments have been made in the last few months and I know that eventually I will have to deal with those.
I shouldn't be made to deal with things I am not ready for.
One of those was grief counseling. I was told that it would help me cope.
It just made me realize I wasn't ready for that.
Only I know this journey that I am on. No one else can tell me how I feel about it.