I Want That

I miss the old days.

By old days I mean before social media.

You didn't have to try to live like the person you saw on TV. Although for me, it was not being able to afford all the expensive stuff my friends had.

My dad always said we weren't made of money. He also said if I wanted things then to get a job.

Nowadays, you can go online and see how other people are living their lives and you start to get envious of what they show you they "have."

Do you really think people are as happy as they make themselves out to be on social media?

Absolutely not.

You can post a picture with your ex, who is also the mother/father of your child and on social media it makes you seem like the "happy family."

You can post a selfie somewhere exotic saying, "living my best life" and people think "oh my gosh, I want that."

The clothes. The destination weddings. The "perfect" relationship. The "happy" family.

It's all bull.

There's always imperfections and flaws in people's lives.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Just like when I get messages or comments about how I inspire people or how I'm glowing.

Behind all of that is a lot of bull.

I don't show people the other parts.

Would they still be inspired if they knew that it takes EVERYTHING in me to go to the gym every single day?

Would they still be inspired if they knew that some days I can't control what I eat because my alcoholic brain doesn't know moderation?

Would they still think I'm glowing and happy if they knew that I eat dinner every night by myself?

That I come home to an empty and lonely house?

Would they still think I'm happy if they knew that all of my trips I take alone?

Everything I do is by myself.

Not with friends.

Not with a boyfriend.

Nothing.

That's the thing. I can show you what I want you to see. I can put my "happy" life out there.

I can pretend that I'm happy with the way my life is.

I'm not. At least not all of it.

Most of the people who read this blog are from Odessa and just check it to see what they can go gossip about.

I mean, it's fine. I'm glad I live rent free in your head.

My life isn't everything I put on social media.

You want to know what really goes on in my life?

I just gave you a tiny insight into it.

Do I have friends?

Not really. I've tried being friends with people.

It's hard.

My life gets extremely lonely.

I'm surprised I'm still sober because of that.

Loneliness is an awful place to be.

You can scream and shout for help but people don't really care.

It also depends your scale of importance in their life.

I don't rank very high on that scale.

I've also been isolating myself because it's easier than try to act like I'm okay.

I hate it here.