I Struggle Too

This past week I posted on Instagram about me not having motivation.

I feel like here lately I have been having more and more trouble in that department.

I love going to the gym. I love going to Ninja.

Right now though, it has felt more like a chore than anything.

I think people see the gym posts and think, "Man, I wish I had your motivation."

Me too. Me too.

Because getting up and moving isn't something that's been easy lately.

You feel like you have to keep this image so that way you never let people see the "real" you.

I don't hide that image.

I struggle. A lot.

Ever since my Dad passed I struggle.

I struggle with waking up.

I struggle with trying to have the hard conversations with him about us having kids together (I want a baby so bad right now) or us being married because yes, I always think about how I feel like I'm living in sin. (Yes, despite what everyone thinks, I do have a moral compass)

I struggle with wanting to go workout.

I struggle with signing myself up for Ninja competitions.

I struggle with opening up to God about anything because I'm still angry with him.

I struggle with wanting to go out and drink so I don't have to feel any of these damn emotions that I feel.

I struggle with trying to open my business because I'm scared it's going to fail.

I struggle getting close to anyone right now because I'm scared I'm just going to lose them.

Out of all the days last week, I think I was excited twice to go to the gym.

I've kept my mind so preoccupied that I haven't given it time to process things.

I do struggle going to my dad's and still thinking I'm going to walk in the door and see his face.

I got told a couple of weeks ago to write a letter to God. They said for the first few pages write everything you are angry with him about or the troubles you are having. After that, tell him everything you are grateful for.

I haven't written that letter yet. I'm not sure what's holding me back on it.

I don't want to feel those things at all right now.

I struggle with those feelings more than I let anyone know, even Mike.

Everyone says that there's a silver lining to everything that happens in life.

I'm struggling to find that.

I will always put on a smile though and act as if nothing is wrong, even when most of my thoughts are me reliving all the bad days in my life.

Right now, that struggle is me reliving the last 28 days of my dad's life and watching him go through that stuff.

It takes a lot out of you mentally.

That's one reason why I try so hard every day to get that motivation back. I need the gym, ninja and him to help me mentally and emotionally.

Those are my 3 escapes.

I know that the things I'm struggling with are going to help me eventually.

It's hard to see that though when life is so busy, chaotic and sometimes depressing.

I do have good days though. When those come I enjoy them.

I'm looking forward to running my own business, becoming a mom and hopefully wife, having athletes make it big in the ninja world, as well as me making it in the ninja world.

I'm looking forward to the day that I am able to help people struggling like me get to where they need to be in life.

I need people to know that the struggles do come. It's okay to go through those because those with help you get you to where you need to be..... eventually.