One thing in my life I do not think I ever had was gratitude for the things that have been given to me or the things that I have earned. I took a lot of the stuff I had in my life for granted.
I always thought that things were just supposed to be given to me because of my hard work. I guess that would be the entitlement talking.
One thing I think is weird is that I have had to work for everything I have in my life so I do not understand how I would have any sense of entitlement. So, maybe the entitlement I felt was the alcoholic's way of thinking. Was it though?
Why would I think that I am entitled to anything in life? That was never who I was growing up or maybe it was.
I always wondered sometimes, why me? Why did I get chosen to be an alcoholic? Why did I have to go and ruin multiple people's lives? Why do I have to take responsibility for actions that I hardly remember?
I never woke up in my active alcoholism and think to myself, "Man, I am so grateful for this life that I live."
Do I do that now?
Absolutely I do. I don't just wake up and think that though.
When I get to take my nieces and nephews with me, I feel grateful.
When I get to take my oldest niece out of town to train with me, I feel grateful.
When I look at the career I have and am going to have, I feel grateful.
When I see that I have a working car and a roof over my head, I feel grateful.
When I see that I am helping others in recovery, I feel grateful.
When I look at Mike and see that he still loves me and wants to spend time with me even after everything I put him through, I feel grateful.
I know that I should show that I am grateful more often because one day all those things could be ripped away from me.
At any moment I can relapse again. I am very aware of that too. I feel like the second I stop my recovery there is a possibility that I can relapse.
Will I come back from another relapse? In my mind, that answer is no.
There is no way that I could survive another day if I were to go back to drinking. That is one thing that I am very aware of.
What do I do to make sure that I don't relapse?
I talk to my sponsor. I work my steps. I read material that will help.
Somedays I talk to Mike about things because he has never steered me wrong.
I go to the gym and I work that aggression out.
I will do absolutely ANYTHING to make sure that I stay sober and in recovery every single day.
I am grateful for the life I have now. I am grateful that my sobriety has given me opportunities and a life that I have only ever dreamt of.