First Year

Yesterday was one year.

One year that I lost my Dad.

Normally, the days leading up are the worst.

Because he was in the hospital for a month, it was a month long process of seeing everything going up to yesterday.

People have said that the first year is when it feels real but it didn't.

I still expect a text, a phone call or for him to be there when I go home.

There's so many things that I remember from that day.

The way that I felt knowing that he wasn't coming back.

I felt like maybe I lost my faith and that's what happened.

My siblings and I had all the faith in the world.

We truly believed that God was going to let us take him home.

I remember being on the phone with my begging her to wake him up.

I remember collapsing in the stairwell the moment I had to tell my mom that he wasn't waking up and we had to make that decision.

We never wanted that.

We prayed that God would not make us decide that.

None of us wanted to do that.

I felt that I had to be strong for everyone.

In my head, because it was just myself that I had to worry about that I needed to be that for them.

That was really hard.

I hate that he's gone. I hate that I can't call him or text him.

I hate that he will never get to see me have kids or walk me down the aisle.

Maybe I'm not dealing with my grief the "correct" way but my Dad was everything for me.

Our entire life stopped the day he took his last breath and people forget that.

You have to sit there and somewhat be okay with it.

When I get ridiculed for my social media or anything like that around this time, no one takes it easy on me.

They don't care.

Sometimes they're the reason I want to drink. Grief sucks so much and having to deal with that and the BS that's been happening today, there are times when I just want to say screw it and get those emotions gone.

Life has just been busy and hard here lately but I pray about it ALL the time.

I think eventually things in my personal life will work out the way everything else has been.

That hole in my heart won't ever go away and I know that.

I miss him so much!!