First Competition Back
It has been a while since I have competed at a Ninja competition.
Actually, the last time I competed was the weekend my dad went to the hospital.
We were driving back that night too when I got the call.
That was really hard.
To say that going on Saturday was hard is an understatement.
I didn't want to go. I tried to find every excuse to not leave that morning.
Saturday was a WNL (World Ninja League) Regional Competition.
I had already qualified for the World Championship just by points, so I didn't need to go.
I signed up anyways.
Friday night, I prayed for the first time in a long time.
I have been so angry with God that I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't understand his reasoning for taking my dad and I still don't.
So, Friday night I prayed, and I talked with God.
I told him that I didn't understand why he took my dad at a time in my life when I needed him the most.
I asked him for one thing and one thing only for Saturday.
I asked God, "Give me my dad back even if it's just for 5 minutes. Please, let me have him with me."
I woke up about 6 in the morning because I wanted to try to get one of my workouts in for 75 Hard before I left.
It didn't happen.
I was trying to get everything done before I left.
As I started driving to Austin, my mind was going 100 miles an hour.
It was telling me that I will never be able to send my dad my run.
He won't see how good I did at this competition.
Why are you doing this when you are not mentally ready?
My dad was probably my biggest fan when it came to my Ninja dream.
As I drove, I couldn't help but just cry.
I was worried about my emotions taking over during my run.
What would people there think?
I have this need to show people how "strong" I am.
That I am handling the situation I have been dealt.
Reality of it though. I'm not.
I'm not handing my grief. I keep myself so busy that I don't have time for it.
That day though, I did. Most days I can cry at home and just feel what I need to and get on about my day.
Saturday was not like that.
I cried on and off for a good 2 hours.
I wanted him to see my progress.
I was physically ready to compete.
Since I started 75 Hard, I have felt stronger!
When I arrived at Austin Ninjas, I didn't feel any of the emotions I did in the car.
Maybe I had cried it all out. Who knows.
As I waited for my turn to run, I just kept telling myself I was ready for this.
They called my name and I got up to the platform.
I kissed my necklace that has my dad's ashes and I said wish me luck, dad.
I ran probably the best course I have ever ran.
I felt good and confident in myself and my body.
I wasn't nervous.
My emotions were under control.
My reason for that is that my dad was on the course with me.
God may not have answered my prayers when I asked him to heal my dad and send him home with us. Well, not in the way I wanted.
God did give me my dad though for the 3 minutes that I ran that course.
I got 2nd place that day.
I was so proud of myself and I knew he would be too.
It's so nice though because I was able to send that video to my mom.
She watched it live as well.
I thought that going to competition was going to be hard and it was.
I'm not sure if it will get better though.
I think the emotions will still come and go but I think that feeling that is part of the process.
I hate this process. Every day I wish that my dad was here with us.
I miss him so much and I know my siblings do too.
Everything that I am doing is to make myself proud.
Whether it's Ninja, my sobriety 75 Hard or what I have planned for this year (BIG THINGS), I want to make sure that I don't stop doing those things.
Eventually I will learn to deal with the grief.
As someone has told me recently though, I can't stop doing those things because my dad wouldn't want me to.
It's also crazy because he reminds me so much of my dad in some aspects.
I do love that.
Be on the lookout for the next 4 weeks worth of competitions!
They'll be on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube.
Also, if you'd like to go watch the competition I wrote about today.
It's on YouTube!