The week leading up to this day wasn't the easiest. I had dreams of relapsing and woke up thinking if I really did relapse. I always thought the cravings would go away and I know eventually they will be completely gone.
As I look back over these last 9 years, all I can think about is how I did it. I haven't always been the strongest person and I gave into temptation more than I would like to admit. So how did I do it?
One thing I have realized in recovery is that this time around, it "just happened." I didn't have any epiphany or "ah-ha" moment. To say that my sobriety this time around is a God thing is a huge understatement.
I couldn't have done this by myself because God knows I've tried. It has taken me reading any material I can get my hands on, journaling or keeping my mind off everything to stay sober. There have been nights when I would just pray for it to be taken away or cry because I thought there was no possible way I could do this.
I think as an alcoholic, you just say, "enough is enough" and decide that you want something different for your life. My life would definitely not be the way it is had I not had enough. Although, still to this day there are things I wish I could say, "enough is enough" and change something.
Eventually, we get rid of bad habits or people who don't fit in with the way we want our lives to go or to be. My life is far from how I want it to be but it's a work in progress.
One thing I do know though is that sobriety gave me almost everything I could possibly want. Although at 9 years sober I honestly thought I would have earned back everything I lost. I am grateful for what I do have and yet I wish that it could be more.
Starting life over isn't always a bad thing and sometimes it is a blessing in disguise. I know that my life has started over multiple times and it was honestly a blessing in disguise.
With the new year already here though, I do know one thing. I won't wait on my dreams or goals because I am not sure how much longer I will be around. None of us do. I don't want to be the person saying, "what if?"
So, here's to another year, another month, another day, another hour and another second sober.