Today I am 10 years free of alcohol.
I should be happy and excited about this.
I am but a part of me is beyond sad.
I miss my dad so much and he was always a big supporter of my sobriety.
A lot of people think it's an inspiration to be able to be sober for 10 years.
I am really good about posting the good parts about every aspect of my life. I also post the bad parts but sometimes those bad parts get to a point where it feels impossible.
The last 2 months have been the hardest for me in the last 10 years.
I watched my dad for 28 days in the hospital fight for his life and then lose.
I watched as my brother; sisters and I spent every day by his side not knowing if he would wake up.
I continued to be strong because I felt that I needed to. I don't have any regrets about that either.
To say that I wanted to drink so much in the last 2 months is an understatement. I didn't want to feel the emotions of losing someone who I loved more than words could express. I didn't want to feel any of that. I still don't.
Yet, I do. I feel those emotions because I know that my dad would not want me to relapse.
I feel those emotions because it's better than drowning them.
That will only work for a short time and they will be there the next day.
So, how did I make it to 10 years? When my entire life was being turned upside down, how did I do it?
Honestly, I have no idea. Will power? God? Determination? Sisu?
I wish I knew.
It isn't fair.
I am beyond proud of myself for this accomplishment.
I honestly never thought that when I started this journey that I would have made it here.
Unless you have been through it you will never know what that is like.
The grief, the cravings and the emotions overwhelm me so much that my brain tries to resort back to what it knew.
Is that hard?
I haven't been the best about talking about it because sometimes people tell me things I don't want to hear.
Maybe they are things I need to hear though.
It's been hard and it has felt impossible.
Regardless of what I am going through though I try to keep in mind that my dad was always proud of me and I know he would say that if he were here today.
He would tell me, "I'm proud of you. I love you my little Ninja."